Conflict-Facilitator

Welcome
to the Conflict-Facilitator

“We cannot change the wind, but we can set the sails differently” (Aristoteles)

We will accompany you, step by step. You will be able to advance quickly and easily, because we provide you with years of coaching expertise in a compressed form.

In case you are interested, here are some references on "Self-reliance", "Addressing/Gender-neutral language" and "Best possible user experience".

To be able to provide you with your results after completion of the Conflict-Facilitator, we will require the following information (we guarantee the confidentiality of your data, since you will be writing down important information offline):

There are things that trigger anger in oneself.

Take a look at these. You can resolve them and avoid blame, judgements, interpretations, generalisations, accusations, and criticism. In this way you can focus your attention and energy on the things that help you advance.

Do you want to face up to your conflict?

Take your time

It’s your decision, and you are welcome to return any time. The online programmes of UP’N’CHANGE will help you whenever you want to. Reflect on what is currently happening in your surroundings, and with you. Let UP’N’CHANGE help you along your journey. Take your time for your own development. You can start again anytime, if you want to, whenever you want to.

I wish to continue now.

User information

To complete this programme, you only need your will, the time, and the courage to confront yourself. Overcome small and big obstacles, and surpass yourself. Achieve the success you are longing for.

Start with the programme in a setting that suits you, and with enough time on your hands. Take as much time as you need for the Conflict-Facilitator. You can advance quickly, or allow the entire thing to impact you deeper on a rational and emotional level. You should factor in at least one hour. Such time is well-invested. You will yield clarity, ideas on how to improve your situation, solutions, and personal insights that will help you advance.

We recommend that you write down the answers by hand, since this method has proven most effective. To do so, download the workbook. No one else but you has access to your notes.

Workbook for download

It’s all very simple: Where there is a choice of replies, click on the corresponding one and you will proceed to the next challenge. You will need to give honest replies, so we can provide you with helpful information.

Don’t forget the benefit of the digiTools:

The Conflict-Facilitator is an efficient and effective guide on how to improve your situation and resolve conflicts. The Conflict-Facilitator supports you in your personal development process. Make sure that you find the time and peace to go through the programme in a pleasant setting.

Be honest! Nobody sees or hears your answers. There’s only you and this digital guide.

This tool offers a limited option to “click back” to previous pages, so as not to disturb the flow of questions and instructions. Therefore, take your time before clicking on CONTINUE or on a reply.

Why wait? Go for it!

What conflict are you currently facing in your life?

Think about what is currently robbing you of your energy, time, money, and nerves.

Stay focused on this one conflict. On this particular situation.

What’s the conflict really about?

Is the conflict you just wrote down really the one that currently affects you on a personal level?

Should you realise at this point that there is actually no conflict, but a different issue you are dealing with, we recommend that you briefly interrupt the programme and reflect.

On which level would you classify this conflict at present?

The main question is: What is the highest level reached in your conflict so far, either by you or by those involved? Click on this level.

Always read through the explanation text, and be honest in your responses, since this will benefit you.

Your reply: Tension

At this level, both parties can still win.

This should demonstrate to you that conflicts have an impact on those involved, and they cause suffering and loss of energy. And that there are ways to improve a situation and to worsen it.

Now look into what this is doing to you.

Your reply: Debate

At this level, both parties can still win.

This should demonstrate to you that conflicts have an impact on those involved, and they cause psychological strain and loss of energy. And that there are ways to improve a situation and to worsen it.

Now look into what this is doing to you.

Your reply: Actions instead of words

At this level, both parties can still win.

This should demonstrate to you that conflicts have an impact on those involved, and they cause suffering and loss of energy. And that there are ways to improve a situation and to worsen it.

Now look into what this is doing to you.

Your reply: Coalitions

In this case, if nothing is done, a party will lose.

This should demonstrate to you that conflicts have an impact on those involved, and they cause suffering and loss of energy. And that there are ways to improve a situation and to worsen it.

Now look into what this is doing to you.

Your reply: Loss of face

In this case, if nothing is done, a party will lose.

This should demonstrate to you that conflicts have an impact on those involved, and they cause suffering and loss of energy. And that there are ways to improve a situation and to worsen it.

Now look into what this is doing to you.

Your reply: Threat strategies

In this case, if nothing is done, a party will lose.

This should demonstrate to you that conflicts have an impact on those involved, and they cause suffering and loss of energy. And that there are ways to improve a situation and to worsen it.

Now look into what this is doing to you.

Your reply: Limited destruction

In this case, if nothing is done, both parties will lose.

This should demonstrate to you that conflicts have an impact on those involved. They cause psychological strain and loss of energy. And that there are ways to improve a situation and to worsen it.

Now look into what this is doing to you.

Your reply: Total annihilation

In this case, if nothing is done, both parties will lose.

This should demonstrate to you that conflicts have an impact on those involved. They cause psychological strain and loss of energy. And that there are ways to improve a situation and to worsen it.

Now look into what this is doing to you.

Your reply: Together into the abyss

In this case, if nothing is done, both parties will lose.

This should demonstrate to you that conflicts have an impact on those involved. They cause psychological strain and loss of energy. And that there are ways to improve a situation and to worsen it.

Now look into what this is doing to you.

Do you want to change this situation?

Then the programme cannot help you. Think about what you really want and take time again for the Conflict-Facilitator if you wish to.

Who do you have this conflict with?

Who is the most important conflict partner? Please only write down the most important person.

As of now, when answering the following questions about your counterpart, think about them in this specific conflict situation.

What is important to you in this conflict?

What is your concern? What exactly?

What is your specific objective in this case?

If you don’t know, please think about exactly what you want in this case.

Do you know what the other person wants in this case?

By that, we don’t mean any assumptions.

This is usually a source of anger. Note that you should discuss this with your counterpart, so as to solve the cause of the conflict.

What is their objective?

Is your objective and that of the other individual a common one?

Then you don’t have a common objective. This is usually a source of anger. Note that you should discuss this with your counterpart, so as to solve a source of the conflict.

You should have written down your objective by now. Note for yourself that it’s important to find out what the other person wants. This may require courage. Finding out that your counterpart wants something different may feel unpleasant. In any event, an honest enquiry with the other person will provide clarity and awareness, and will bring you a step closer to resolving your conflict.

Now think about your objective again. What does this mean with regard to the following:

I want to move

• "Away from"
• "And toward"

This means, which situation, which problem do you want to escape from (think about your conflict). And where exactly do you want to get to?

What do you want to achieve?

Do you go into resonance, i.e. do you react (physically or mentally) in any way when you think about this conflict with your counterpart? Do you feel anything when you think about it? No matter how small your reaction may be. Take a look at your notes, especially with regard to the specific conflict. Stay focused on that one particular conflict.

It will be difficult to go through the following guide if you don’t feel any reaction at all. Try to become really and fully involved, with your heart and mind. Because, according to what you replied before, you do have a conflict.

What exactly is annoying you, what makes you uneasy about this situation?

What are you thinking? For the time being, focus on the thought, we will get to the feelings later.

What does that mean specifically, is there more behind it?

Please write it down.

What do others say about this situation? What are their comments?

Please write it down.

How does it feel?

How does it feel for you when you read through the comments of others? Please write down the feelings that arise in you. For instance, does it feel frightening, sad, constricting, awe-inspiring, does it make you furious, i.e. how does this conflict situation feel for you?

When several feelings arise, which one takes centre stage? How does it feel?

The following instructions will allow you to find a relief concerning the feeling that you currently have. Which is there anyway, whether you like it or not.

We prepared an exercise you can do here and now. So as to achieve some progress on an emotional level as well. This is important for your further development.

Introduction to the exercise

This exercise is inspired by the Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT). The EFT is a concept derived from Energy Psychology, a method of relieving and treating stress by tapping on accupressure points. EFT was developed in the United States in the early 1990s by Gary Craig.

Craig developed a very simple tapping routine that provides relief from negative emotions. His assumption is that the origin of all negative emotions lies in an interruption or malfunction of the body’s own energy system. The objective and method of the treatment is to restore the undisturbed flow of energy in the body, and is also suitable for self-application. EFT can be used to trigger undesired emotions, but also to develop desired attitudes.

Now visualize the conflict situation once again, and allow the associated feelings to arise in you. Now, in this very moment, when no danger is present. This exercise helps you lighten that feeling. No matter how odd the approach may seem to you, trust that it will help you - if you allow it to.

EFT instructions

Step 1

What do I feel in this conflict?

Step 2

Rate the intensity of the feeling using a subjective rating scale. Focus on what you feel inside, and try to assess how much this feeling is straining you. 10 is the greatest possible strain, 0 means that you don’t feel any strain at all.

Step 3

Based on these findings, write down a phrase in the next step. We will now explain how: Take the feeling that you wrote down in Step 1, and formulate a sentence with the following opening words and these closing words:

The tapping sentence can be, for instance:

Although I am afraid of verbal accusations,
I deeply and completely accept myself.

Now read this sentence aloud. Does it sound right to you? Do you want to change it, e.g. shorten or adjust it? You can sharpen it to your liking any time.

Step 4

Sit up straight, with both feet on the ground.

Step 5

Now tap a circle clockwise around your thymus gland (located in your thorax directly behind the sternum, above the pericardium, it reaches from the base of the collarbones to the fourth pair of ribs) using your forefinger and middle finger.

While doing so, speak the phrase you formulated in Step 3.

Step 6

Now dive into that feeling described in Step 1. Give this feeling enough space. Let yourself sink in, without judging. Fully concentrate on your feeling.

Start tapping, whilst repeating your “tapping sentence” aloud.

Tap and speak: i.e. Although I am afraid of verbal accusations, I deeply and completely accept myself.

Step 7

If necessary, you can repeat the procedure. Do so whilst breathing deeply and slowly.

Now you can begin with this exercise.

How do you feel now, after doing the EFT exercise?

You can repeat this exercise as often and for as long as you like when it benefits you. Ideally, until the negative feeling has disappeared. That is, when your rating of it is 0.

Now you have also resorted to the emotional level to think about and sense other aspects in this conflict in a more rational and free way. This helps you concentrate better on the following questions.

In this conflict, what do you accuse the other person of?

Regardless of whether you only think about it or actually express it.

Please write it down.

What is the most important accusation?

Please write it down.

Is it true? Is it really true? Can you be 100% sure that this thought is true?

What do you really accuse your counterpart of, either in your own mind or verbally out loud?

What happens inside you when you believe that?

What would it be like if you were free from this thought and these feelings, i.e. if you were unable to have this thought or feel this way?

That is, what happens inside you if you could stop believing this thought? Just write it down, be completely open and honest with yourself.

Please go into yourself.

What are your expectations from the other person?

What do you need, what do you want from the other person? Even if you find it difficult or you don’t want to have any expectations, give yourself time and space to think about it, and take these questions in. It may be helpful to look into your notes, since you already wrote down a few things about this.

Have you ever told this to your counterpart?

What would happen if you told this to the other person in a calm, open, and soft manner?

What’s preventing you from doing it?

How does it feel?

Have you really communicated this to the other person clearly, have you told them how you actually feel?

What does this do to you? Give the feeling enough space.

How was it? What does this do to you?

What is your counterpart accusing you of?

Be really honest. Take the time to think about it, it will really help you get ahead.

What does this do to you?

What are you thinking right now?

What are your feelings, your sensations?

By sensations, we mean what you physically feel inside you.

Deeply and slowly breathe in and out. Should you sense the need for an emotionally supportive exercise before you continue, we have prepared an exercise that helps you learn to better accept your feelings.

Do you want to do this exercise now?

“The strength of acceptance“

You can close your eyes during this exercise.

Intro

Exercise

Music source: Moby, 2016

Note: You will receive this audio for download by e-mail after you complete the Conflict-Facilitator.

Let’s look at how you behave and communicate when you are under stress. This does not necessarily mean you are always like that. It’s about finding out how you behave in this conflict. We use the term stress to describe moments that overtax us, make us feel helpless or powerless, or trigger a fear of failure in us.

Please answer the following two questions, focusing on the conflict you’ve chosen.

How do you react, what happens inside you when you come under stress in this conflict? Under stress, I am rather ...

How strong is this reaction under stress in this particular conflict?

Please also answer the following question, focusing on the conflict you’ve chosen:

Under stress, I tend to react ...

How strong is this reaction under stress in this particular conflict?

Your answers point to the following response pattern under stress. It may be that not all behaviors apply to you in this situation, but it should give you an impression of your own stress behavior.

You react in the following manner under stress, i.e. your “protective bunker” is:

Extroverted and "From the head":

Essentially, that is, under relaxed conditions, you are a "bold decision maker".

Under stress, however, when you feel overcharged, you often react like an "attacking tiger".

We describe some of the most prominent features for this type of stress typology in the following:

Under stress, you tend to display the following behavior:

• Impatience
• Interrupting others
• Speaking louder
• Flooding with facts
• Wanting to prevail (be in the right)
• Pressure
• Bluntness
• Hardness
• Taking decisions
• Control
• Suppressing feelings
• In extreme cases, a tendency to be schizoid, i.e. lack of emotion.
• In case of escalation, you often have the following thoughts or feelings: "I’ve had just about enough."

Your motivation, your wish is to:

• Get it done
• Swiftness

What you want to avoid, what you mostly fear:

• Loss of control
• Lack of commitment
• Uncertainty

Your stressors, i.e. behavior that stresses you:

• Rule violations
• Evasion
• Lack of communication
• Self-justification
• Tardiness

Extroverted and "From a gut feeling":

Essentially, i.e. under relaxed conditions, you are a "charming communicator".

Under stress, however, when you feel overcharged, you often react like a "furious dolphin".

We describe some of the most prominent features for this type of stress typology in the following:

Under stress, you tend to display the following behavior:

• Accusations
• Verbal attacks
• Reinterpreting the situation
• Evasion
• Emotional overreaction (sometimes hot-tempered, in extreme cases hysteric, "freaking out")
• In case of escalation, you often have the following thoughts or feelings: “Not with me, I’m gonna show him”.

Your motivation, your wish is:

• Appreciation of your character and your feelings.

What you want to avoid, what you mostly fear:

• To remain unheard
• Rules
• Do something wrong
• Failing
• Be replaced

Your stressors, i.e. behavior that stresses you:

• Putting someone in a bad light
• Arrogance
• Decisions of your counterpart
• Ranting
• Ignorance toward you

Introverted and "From the head":

Essentially, i.e. under relaxed conditions, you are a "reliable doer".

Under stress, however, when you feel overcharged, you often react like a "busy bee".

We describe some of the most prominent features for this type of stress typology in the following:

Under stress, you tend to display the following behavior:

• Know-it-all attitude
• Pessimism
• Scepticism
• Analysing
• Withdrawal
• In extreme cases, compulsive, perfectionist, and unyielding
• In case of escalation, you often have the following thoughts or feelings: "I always have to take care of everything, it's too much to bear."

Your motivation, your wish is to:

• Do the right thing and get things done.

What you want to avoid, what you mostly fear:

• Criticism
• Refusal
• Aggression

Your stressors, i.e. behavior that stresses you:

• Motivation attempts, i.e. when people try to motivate me
• Excuses or pretexts
• Empty promises
• Verbal attacks
• Accusations

Introverted and "From a gut feeling":

Essentially, i.e. under relaxed conditions, you are a "calm perceiver".

Under stress, however, when you feel overcharged, you often react like a "seclusive tortoise".

We describe some of the most prominent features for this type of stress typology in the following:

Under stress, you tend to display the following behavior:

• Withdrawal
• Inner wall
• Lack of communication
• In extreme cases, depressive moods at times.
• In case of escalation, you often have the following thoughts or feelings: You remain silent and completely seclude yourself.

Your motivation, your wish is to:

• Feel good and simply perceive the situation.

What you want to avoid, what you mostly fear:

• Quarrel
• Aggression

Your stressors, i.e. behavior that stresses you:

• Pressure
• Someone insistently trying to talk you into something.

Your personal development requirements based on your answer “extroverted with a strength of {res_intensity}" on the scale from “relatively normal” to “extreme":

1. In general, we sense the need “to be connected”. This requires a balance between the poles extroverted/being in contact and introverted/being alone. You said that you tend to be rather extroverted in this conflict.
2. When this “extroversion” is too strong, it degenerates into opportunism and lack of commitment. According to your statement, your “extroversion” is “{res_intensity}".
3. In this conflict, the direction of your personal development is toward “independence and autonomy".
4. Bear in mind: in this conflict, your comfort zone under stress is being in contact with people. This is what you give off under stress. However, it may be that you are sometimes afraid of being monopolized, and therefore you begin to evade under stress and, when further overstrained, you surround yourself with other people. And then you yearn for more autonomy and confirmation of your own character.

For the sake of simplicity, we compiled all this information into a chart for you (numbers 1 to 4 correspond to the 4 above-described items of the explanation):

Your personal development requirements based on your answer “introverted with a strength of {res_intensity}" on the scale from “relatively normal” to “extreme":

1. In general, we sense the need “to be connected”. This requires a balance between the poles extroverted/being in contact and introverted/being alone. You said that you tend to be rather introverted in this conflict.
2. When this “introversion” is too strong, it degenerates into isolation/doing it alone. According to your statement, your personal “introversion" is “{res_intensity}".
3. In this conflict, the direction of your personal development is to make sure that you become “extroverted/in contact".
4. Bear in mind: in this conflict, your comfort zone under stress is being autonomous and independent. This is what you give off under stress. However, it may be that you are sometimes afraid of being rejected and therefore you start clinging under stress and, when further overstrained, you withdraw to yourself. And then you yearn for more contact.

For the sake of simplicity, we compiled all this information into a chart for you (numbers 1 to 4 correspond to the 4 above-described items of the explanation):

Your personal development requirements based on your answer “From the head and determining” with a strength of {res_intensity}" on the scale from “relatively normal” to “extreme":

1. In general, we sense the need to achieve goals. This requires a balance between the poles “From the head"/determining and “From a gut feeling”/remaining open. You said that you tend to act “From the head” in this conflict.
2. In the extreme, this overly rational approach will degenerate into rigidity and immobility. According to your statement, your “overly rational” approach is “{res_intensity}" {res_intensity_name}.
3. In this conflict, the direction of your personal development is to make sure that you can also show feelings and remain open.
4. Bear in mind: in this conflict, your comfort zone under stress is to express yourself in arguments and to focus on the task. This is what you show under stress. However, it may be that you are sometimes afraid of being at the mercy of emotions. Nonetheless, you long to show your feelings better.

To support you, we visualized all this information (numbers 1 to 4 correspond to the 4 above-described items of the explanation):

Your personal development requirements based on your answer “From a gut feeling and remaining open” with a strength of {res_intensity}" on the scale from “relatively normal” to “extreme":

1. In general, we sense the need to achieve goals. This requires a balance between the poles “From the head"/determining and “From a gut feeling”/remaining open. You said that you tend to act “From a gut feeling” in this conflict.
2. In the extreme, this “emotionally driven” approach will degenerate into confusion and chaos. According to your statement, your “emotionally driven” approach is “{res_intensity}" {res_intensity_name}.
3. In this conflict, the direction of your personal development is to make sure that you also express yourself with arguments and focus on the task.
4. Bear in mind: in this conflict, your comfort zone under stress is to show feelings and to be flexible. This is what you show under stress. However, it may be that you are sometimes afraid of failure and are failing to clearly express your opinion and make your case.

To support you, we visualized all this information (numbers 1 to 4 correspond to the 4 above-described items of the explanation):

Do you need time to let this realization sink in?

Then please take the time to do that.

We will now focus on your counterpart in this conflict. If you don’t know how this person behaves under stress, make an assessment based on what you observed or heard.

How does your counterpart react when they come under stress in this conflict?

And how does your counterpart react under stress?

This is how you assess your counterpart under stress:

Extroverted and "From the head"

So your counterpart is a “bold decision maker” and, under stress, an “attacking tiger” who acts in the following manner:

Here are some of the most prominent features for this type of stress typology:

• Impatience
• Interrupting others
• Speaking louder
• Flooding with facts
• Wanting to prevail (be in the right)
• Pressure
• Bluntness
• Hardness
• Taking decisions
• Control
• Suppressing feelings
• In extreme cases, a tendency to be schizoid, i.e. lack of emotion.
• In case of escalation, they often have the following thoughts or feelings: "I’ve had just about enough."

Their motivation, i.e. their intention is:

• Get it done
• Swiftness

What your counterpart wants to avoid, what they mostly fear:

• Loss of control
• Lack of civility
• Uncertainty

Stressors, i.e. behavior that stresses your counterpart:

• Rule violations
• Evasion
• Lack of communication
• Self-justification
• Tardiness

Copyright Dr. Gabriele Lang

Extroverted and "From a gut feeling"

So your counterpart is a “charming communicator” and, under stress, a “furious dolphin” who acts in the following manner:

Here are some of the most prominent features for this type of stress typology:

• Accusations
• Verbal attacks
• Reinterpreting the situation
• Evasion
• Emotional overreaction (sometimes hot-tempered, in extreme cases hysteric, "freaking out")
• In case of escalation, they often have the following thoughts or feelings: "Not with me, I’m gonna show him".

Their motivation, i.e. their intention is:

• Appreciation of their character and feelings

What your counterpart wants to avoid, what they mostly fear:

• To remain unheard
• Rules
• Do something wrong
• Failing
• Be replaced

Stressors, i.e. behavior that stresses your counterpart:

• Putting someone in a bad light
• Arrogance
• Decisions of your counterpart
• Scolding
• Ignorance toward them

Copyright Dr. Gabriele Lang

Introverted and "From the head"

So your counterpart is a “reliable doer” and, under stress, a “busy bee” who acts in the following manner:

Here are some of the most prominent features for this type of stress typology:

• Know-it-all attitude
• Pessimism
• Scepticism
• Analysing
• Withdrawal
• In extreme cases, compulsive, perfectionist, and unyielding
• In case of escalation, they often have the following thoughts or feelings: "I always have to take care of everything, it’s too much to bear."

Their motivation, i.e. their intention is:

• Do the right thing and get things done.

What your counterpart wants to avoid, what they mostly fear:

• Criticism
• Refusal
• Aggression

Stressors, i.e. behavior that stresses your counterpart:

• Motivation attempts, i.e. others try to motivate them
• Excuses or pretexts
• Empty promises
• Verbal attacks
• Accusations

Copyright Dr. Gabriele Lang

Introverted and "From a gut feeling"

So your counterpart is a “calm perceiver” and, under stress, a “seclusive tortoise”.

Here are some of the most prominent features for this type of stress typology:

• Withdrawal
• Inner wall
• Lack of communication
• In extreme cases, depressive moods at times.
• In case of escalation, they often have the following thoughts or feelings: Your counterpart remains silent and withdraws completely.

Their motivation, i.e. their intention is:

• Feel good and simply perceive the situation.

What your counterpart wants to avoid, what they mostly fear:

• Quarrel
• Aggression

Stressors, i.e. behavior that stresses your counterpart:

• Pressure
• Insistently trying to talk them into something

Copyright Dr. Gabriele Lang

Do you need time to let this realization sink in?

Resume only when you have the feeling that you want to continue.

Please take the time to do that.

To which extent is the topic at the center of this conflict really important to you?

So is the topic at the center of the conflict important to you personally? If necessary, check your notes again to verify what your objective is.

Is your counterpart in this situation, in this issue, important to you?

Is the person that you have to deal with in this case, in this issue, important to you? It’s not about whether this person is generally important to you, but whether your counterpart in this particular issue is important.

And this is your result:

The issue and the individual are therefore important to you.

Attention: Ultimately, your counterpart will (consciously or unconsciously) sense that they are not important to you in this issue. If that person is not important to you in this issue, please remember to communicate this to them honestly and in a delicate manner.

Why do you quarrel if the issue is not important to you?

Why do you quarrel if the whole thing is not important to you?

How does it feel now that you know it?

What are you thinking now? How does it feel when you look at your results?

Please write it down again for yourself, since it may take some time to sink in.

The position between two persons to each other also depends on their respective willingness to assert their own point of view and their willingness to cooperate. What is the position for you in this situation?

Allow yourself to listen to your inner voice, and to really answer honestly, even if it may feel unpleasant, or if the realization is unpleasant.

My willingness to assert my point of view is:

My true willingness to cooperate with my counterpart toward a solution? Be honest, it’s about your real willingness, rationally and emotionally.

So you want to:

Collaborate

This is an opportunity for a “win-win” situation (consensus), since both sides present their demands and work out a plan that benefits both. To achieve this, however, your counterpart must also be willing to cooperate, something you cannot influence.

Or compromise

Both sides present their demands and work out a plan which, depending on their perception, ultimately leaves them with the feeling of not having achieved the best result, but a solution which both parties can live with. To achieve this, however, your counterpart must also be willing to cooperate, something you cannot influence.

Assert your point of view

This expresses the willingness to assert your opinion or your position, even against the resistance of the other person (establish whether you are doing this only as a matter of principle).

Yield

This means that the conflict is resolved, but you give in and, ultimately, you somehow do not maintain your position.

Avoid

This means that the conflict is not decided, and the situation remains the same for you.

And this is your result:

How does it feel when you see what your position is?

What are you thinking now? How does it feel when you look at your results?

Chapter 7

Now we want to continue and go into greater depth. Ask yourself the following questions. Please answer as spontaneously as possible.

Do you currently have the courage and the inner strength to deal with this issue, i.e. with this conflict and counterpart?

What’s currently preventing you from doing it? If necessary, and should emotions arise, use the EFT exercise to enable you to continue working well.

Do you want to do the exercise now?

EFT instructions

Step 1

What do I feel in this conflict?

Step 2

Rate the intensity of the feeling on the subjective rating scale. Focus on what you feel inside, and try to assess how much this feeling is straining you. 10 is the greatest possible strain, 0 means that you don’t feel any strain at all.

Step 3

Based on these findings, write down a phrase in the next step. We will now explain how: Take the feeling that you wrote down in Step 1, and formulate a phrase with the following opening words and these closing words:

The tapping sentence can be, for instance:

Although I am afraid of verbal accusations,
I deeply and completely accept myself.

Now read this sentence aloud. Does it sound right to you? Do you want to change it, e.g. shorten or adjust it? You can sharpen it to your liking any time.

Step 4

Sit up straight, with both feet on the ground.

Step 5

Now tap a circle clockwise around your thymus gland (located in your thorax directly behind the sternum, above the pericardium, it reaches from the base of the collarbones to the fourth pair of ribs) using your forefinger and middle finger.

While doing so, speak the phrase you formulated in Step 3.

Step 6

Now dive into that feeling described in Step 1. Give this feeling enough space. Let yourself sink in, without judging. Fully concentrate on your feeling.

Start tapping while repeating your “tapping sentence” aloud.

Tap and speak: Although I am ...

Step 7

If necessary, you can repeat the procedure. Do so whilst breathing deeply and slowly.

Now specifically visualise the conflict situation once again, and allow the associated feelings to arise in you. Now, in this very moment, when no danger is present. To lighten this feeling, we will recommend an exercise to you. No matter how odd the approach may seem to you, trust that it will help you if you allow it.

Instructions

Step 1

What do I feel in this conflict?

Step 2

Rate the intensity of the feeling on the subjective rating scale. Focus on what you feel inside, and try to assess how much this feeling is straining you. 10 is the greatest possible strain, 0 means that you don’t feel any strain at all.

Step 3

Based on these findings, write down a phrase in the next step. We will now explain how: Take the feeling that you wrote down in Step 1 and formulate a phrase with the following opening words and these closing words:

The tapping sentence can be, for instance:

Although I am afraid of verbal accusations,
I deeply and completely accept myself.

Now read this sentence aloud. Does it sound right to you? Do you want to change it, e.g. shorten or adjust it? You can sharpen it to your liking any time.

Step 5

Now tap a circle clockwise around your thymus gland (located in your thorax directly behind the sternum, above the pericardium, it reaches from the base of the collarbones to the fourth pair of ribs) using your forefinger and middle finger.

While doing so, speak the phrase you formulated in Step 3.

Step 6

Now dive into that feeling described in Step 1. Give this feeling enough space. Let yourself sink in, without judging. Fully concentrate on your feeling.

Start tapping while repeating your “tapping sentence” aloud.

Tap and speak: Although I am ‘

Step 7

After a while, i.e. when you feel that the exercise has had an impact, assess the intensity of your feeling using the rating scale from Step 2.

If you are feeling better, and you find yourself at the lower end of the scale, you can stop the exercise.

If necessary, you can repeat the procedure.

Do so whilst breathing deeply and slowly.

How do you react instinctively in this conflict, that is, in this situation?

Be honest with yourself. In reality, which of the following strategies do you currently follow? You can only name one strategy, choosing the answer that best applies to you.

But be aware that, in order to do that, you need the other person, who also wants a solution. And you can’t force the other person to do it.

You’ve chosen: Powerlessness, immobility

Mental powerlessness and helplessness in a situation.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You have chosen: Ignorance

(To be unfamiliar with something), to intentionally/consciously be unwilling to deal with a matter.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You have chosen: Suppression

Suppressing any emotions, e.g. swallowing your anger.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You’ve chosen: Adaptation

Adaptation to the changed situation.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You’ve chosen: Flight

Seek refuge somewhere by fleeing, by running away from something unpleasant.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You’ve chosen: Ride out

Remain idle in the hope that something will sort itself out.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You’ve chosen: Delegation

Transfer a task, a responsibility, or authority to another individual.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You’ve chosen: Assert oneself/fight for something/coerce the other person

The objective is to obtain a personal advantage, or perhaps bring about a disadvantage for your counterpart.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You’ve chosen: Choleric behavior

The objective is to obtain an advantage, or perhaps bring about a disadvantage for your counterpart.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You’ve chosen: Compromise

Resolve the conflict by waiving parts of your demand.

But be aware that, in order to do that, you need the other person, who also wants a solution. And you can’t force the other person to do it.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You’ve chosen: Consensus

Find a (new) solution on which all parties involved agree. This requires cooperation. But be aware that, in order to do that, you need the other person, who also wants a solution. And you can’t force the other person to do it.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

If you take time, what do you really want to achieve in this conflict, how would you like to act?

Which one of these options would you really like to choose?

You’ve chosen: Powerlessness, immobility

Mental powerlessness and helplessness in a situation.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You’ve chosen: Ignorance

(To be unfamiliar with something), to intentionally/consciously be unwilling to deal with a matter.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You’ve chosen: Suppression

Suppressing any emotions, e.g. swallowing your anger.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You’ve chosen: Adaptation

Adaptation to the changed situation.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You’ve chosen: Flight

Seek refuge somewhere by fleeing, by running away from something unpleasant.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You’ve chosen: Ride out

Remain idle in the hope that something will sort itself out.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You’ve chosen: Delegation

Transfer a task, a responsibility, or authority to another individual.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You’ve chosen: Assert oneself/fight for something/coerce the other person

The objective is to obtain an advantage, or perhaps bring about a disadvantage for your counterpart.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You’ve chosen: Choleric behavior

The objective is to obtain an advantage, or perhaps bring about a disadvantage for your counterpart.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You’ve chosen: Compromise

Conflict resolution by waiving parts of your demand.

But be aware that, in order to do that, you need the other person, who also wants a solution. And you can’t force the other person to do it.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

You’ve chosen: Consensus

Find a (new) solution on which all parties involved agree. This requires cooperation. But be aware that, in order to do that, you need the other person, who also wants a solution. And you can’t force the other person to do it.

Now ask yourself the following question:

What are the advantages or disadvantages of this strategy or reaction for you in this conflict?

Please write it down.

But be aware that, in order to do that, you need the other person, who also wants a solution. And you can’t force the other person to do it.

Attention, that’s getting interesting now. It seems that your first impulse does not exactly coincide with what you want after some consideration.

How do you feel about that?

It may perhaps feel unpleasant, but please stay with that feeling. Dare to give space to these feelings as well. Some things can get untangled this way. If necessary, use the previous exercise again.

Do you want to do the exercise now?

“The strength of acceptance”

You can close your eyes during this exercise.

Introduction

Exercise

Music source: Moby, 2016

Note: You will receive this audio for download by e-mail after you complete the Conflict-Facilitator.

Now, which strategy do you specifically opt for? You must be aware that you will actually have to implement it afterwards. This means that even a compromise or consensus will require a certain assertiveness. And the other person’s true willingness to cooperate. A compromise or consensus is not possible on your own. Now, which strategy do you specifically opt for?

Be aware that, in most cases, such a reaction means that one was somehow hurt.

What is the benefit/price of powerlessness or immobility with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of powerlessness or immobility with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of ignorance with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of ignorance with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of suppression with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of suppression with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of adaptation with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of adaptation with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of flight with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of flight with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of riding it out with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of riding it out with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of delegation with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of delegation with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of asserting oneself/fighting for it/coercing the other person with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of asserting oneself/fighting for it/coercing the other person with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of a choleric behavior with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of a choleric behavior with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of compromise with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of compromise with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of consensus with regard to this conflict?

What is the benefit/price of consensus with regard to this conflict?

With benefit, we mean the advantages that you get from the respective behavior. The price is what you are asked to sacrifice in return. Even if it may sound completely absurd that one can draw advantages from a conflict strategy, you should know that one only gets into a conflict when one expects something from it, probably being completely unaware of it.

How is it in your case?

Please write down what’s going through your head.

When you look at this price again, what would you like to change? What do you want to change exactly?

Please write it down.

If you were to convert this objective (this change) into an affirmation, an empowering phrase, a kind of mantra for yourself, what would it sound like? It could be something like: “I stay true to my expectations.” “I understand myself”. What is your personal affirmation?

Please write it down.

Bear in mind: Provided that the issue and the other person are important to you, it is essential for a sustainable success to establish a healthy balance between your own requirements and those of the others. Otherwise, the whole matter will degenerate into selfishness or altruism. Make sure to verify that in your particular case.

So, what does your balance look like in this situation?

Do you want to maintain your strategy of powerlessness and immobility, or change it?

Do you want to maintain your strategy of ignorance, or change it?

Do you want to maintain your strategy of suppression, or change it?

Do you want to maintain your strategy of adaptation, or change it?

Do you want to maintain your strategy of flight, or change it?

Do you want to maintain your strategy of riding it out, or change it?

Do you want to maintain your strategy of delegation, or change it?

Do you want to maintain your strategy of choleric behavior, or change it?

Do you want to maintain your strategy of compromise, or change it?

Do you want to maintain your strategy of consensus, or change it?

Here, you once again get the opportunity to choose your conflict strategy:

Be aware that, in most cases, such a reaction means that one was somehow hurt.

You’ve chosen: Powerlessness, immobility

Mental powerlessness and helplessness in a situation.

You’ve chosen: Ignorance

(To be unfamiliar with something), to intentionally/consciously be unwilling to deal with a matter.

You’ve chosen: Suppression

Suppressing any emotions, e.g. swallowing your anger.

You’ve chosen: Adaptation

Adaptation to the changed situation.

You’ve chosen: Flight

Seek refuge somewhere by fleeing, by running away from something unpleasant.

You’ve chosen: Ride out

Remain idle in the hope that something will sort itself out.

You’ve chosen: Delegation

Transfer a task, a responsibility, or authority to another individual.

You’ve chosen: Assert oneself/fight for something/coerce the other person

The objective is to obtain an advantage, or perhaps bring about a disadvantage for your counterpart.

You’ve chosen: Choleric behavior

The objective is to obtain an advantage, or perhaps bring about a disadvantage for your counterpart.

You’ve chosen: Compromise

Resolve the conflict by waiving parts of your demand.

You’ve chosen: Consensus

Find a (new) solution on which all parties involved agree. This requires cooperation. But be aware that, in order to do that, you need the other person, who also wants a solution. And you can’t force the other person to do it.

The objective of conflict transformation is to effectively improve the situation or resolve the conflict.

Do you want that?

What do you actually want? Bear in mind that the other person will not change just because you want them to. You, however, can change your behavior to improve the situation for yourself. Do you want to improve the situation for yourself?

In this case, the programme cannot help you, so you must think about what you really want (perhaps the GOAL-FINDERcan help you), and take time again for this one here. It will only yield results if you want it to. Take your time. When you are ready, resume the programme.

I wish to continue now.

Do you really want that?

Bear in mind that it will require a certain effort from you.

Are you ready to work on your behavior and your communication?

What do your actually want?

Bear in mind that the other person will not change just because you want them to. You, however, can change your behavior and your communication to improve the situation for yourself.

Do you want to receive recommendations on how to improve the situation?

Congratulations

You’ve already taken a great step in the right direction. You are looking at both sides: Rationality and emotionality. This way you can advance. With your heart and mind. Think and feel how it is to have taken these steps for your own sake. Lean back for a moment, and breathe deeply before you continue.

Evaluation and recommendations

You’re at the finish line! We have compiled the most important information for you so that you can improve the situation and advance on a personal level. In the end, you will also receive a detailed report.

This is how strong the stress pattern is with regard to these two topics:

What does this do to you? What do you learn from this?

It gets even better: We will show you possibilities of how to deal with other people so they understand what you want to tell them. What you can do to prevent the situation from escalating further, to steer everything in a positive direction. The magic word is de-escalation. Put your new skills to use.

This is how you assessed the situation in this conflict:

So you want to:

How you can advance on a personal level? It's very simple! Take a look at your results and, based on your replies, verify them as to their logic. You will see: It’s worth the effort! You often identify unconscious behavior patterns only after having seen the results.

Enjoy your journey.

Now please carefully think about the following. If you want to, you can use the Infomatrix designed for this purpose.

What is important to me in this particular situation with my counterpart? What is really important?

It may be that this has changed compared to the beginning.

What is unacceptable to me, what am I afraid of? What do I not (or no longer) want, that is, under no circumstances? Where is my personal limit?

What are the aspects I am prepared to negotiate? What is not so important to me? Where can I negotiate?

Take your time for these questions, because they are extremely relevant for an improvement of the situation.

Now also fill it out - if possible - for your counterpart in this situation. Better yet, ask the other person these questions. This can be done at a later stage. Be very attentive when doing so.

Are any accusations emerging? degradations? Insinuations?

How does it feel at the moment?

What kind of feelings emerge?

We now move on:

Which play rules do you consider necessary during interaction? What do think both parties must absolutely abide by?

Figure out your personal mandatory criteria.

At the end, we will give you some important general recommendations, in case you can’t come up with any ideas. Bear in mind: You cannot force others to change. But you can figure out for yourself where your limits are, the lines that can’t be crossed.

Allow yourself time to consider:

What are your consequences in case of non-compliance with the rules? What do you want to do? What are you definitely going to do?

You are free, and you still have the choice!

What is my price in this situation and with this new conduct, what are my disadvantages? Where is my benefit, where are my advantages?

What do I think will happen with the other person with this conduct? What could happen if I maintain my limits and stay true to myself? What kind of thoughts, feelings, sensations emerge? Be honest to yourself, and write it down.

If necessary, use the exercises when feelings emerge. Accept these feelings, let them inundate you. This is the only way you can advance.

You will receive these audio clips for download by e-mail after you complete the Conflict-Facilitator.

One thing is important for us to note at this point.

Bear in mind: Keep the possibility open for you to leave, to protect yourself when your counterpart escalates. If you cannot protect yourself, seek help and support.

What does this do to you?

Important recommendations

A summary of important general recommendations for you:

The What

• Keep your eyes on the objective
• Focus: Pay attention to those elements that are really important to you
• Show courage, accept yourself
• Visualize your objective, on a mental, physical, and spiritual level
  
• Be aware of your conflict strategy

The How

• Stay calm and relaxed, breathe consciously
• Act on the premise “I am OK, and the other one is OK too”
• Distinguish between person and behavior. Start from the premise that the other person is OK as a human being, but their respective behavior is not.
• Communicate clearly. Pay attention to the rational, mental level, as well as the emotional level. If someone else acts very rationally, it’s good to act rationally too. When your counterpart is very emotional, however, you should let the situation cool down, but then act not only rationally, but also show feelings and be responsive to feelings, e.g.: “I see that you are concerned”.
• Ask open questions, i.e. questions that can be answered with something else than just yes or no. Then, first listen carefully, keep to yourself, and then acknowledge that the other is opening up to you.
• Use “I” messages.
• Use the Nonviolent Communication approach by Marshall B. Rosenberg.
• Communicate factually, follow the instructions of the 4 Sides Model of Communication by Friedemann Schulz von Thun. Here is the implementation of this communication model by us.

And now to the best part: trying it out. As quickly as possible, as slowly as necessary. Putting knowledge into practice.

Keep in mind: stay consistent, stick to it, and practice. The secret is reconditioning. Be really true to your important objectives and heartfelt wishes. It’s what makes one happy.

“You cannot stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”(Jon Kabat-Zinn)

Be as kind as you possibly can – to yourself and the other. Assume that your counterpart is not capable of acting differently in this situation.

You can congratulate yourself for having decided to deal with this issue, for trying to find new possibilities. Great job!

When you click on "Submit", you will receive your personal report at the e-mail address you provided.